Dear Taco Bell
Dear Taco Bell,
I have beef with you- and I’m not talking about the mystery meat "beef" that you load into your creatively named Tex-Mex products (despite what you may beg to differ, there is no f’ing way that your so-called meat was ever a living, breathing animal...it’s far too rank and stanky and disturbingly raunchy to have come from something organic).
I have a real problem with your advocation of the "4th Meal" in the American diet. Who in the hell gave you the authority to christen your meals as the fourth meal of the day? What ever gave you the idea that it is even a good idea to insert a "4th Meal" into our diets, considering it is apparent that Americans have a difficult enough time balancing 3 meals in a day?
Are you aware of what exactly your food does to people who eat your "4th Meal" during the designated "after dinner, before breakfast" hours?
Do you have any idea how dreadfully painful it is to wake up literally feeling that "4th Meal" bubbling and fermenting in the guts of someone who was duped into believing that Tex-Mex fast food consumption between dinner and breakfast might not be a bad idea? What exactly do you DO to your products to make them so freakishly generic and sickening?
Before last night, I had not eaten your food in at least a year or two- and even back then it was usually due to intoxication and the fact that you are the only one open late enough to offer food to the drunk and unstable...(because at that point of the night, human beings will eat just about anything with cheese on it, regardless of whether or not it should come with some sort of "toxic" warning label. You obviously caught wind of this because you are serving road kill and disguising it with clever names like CHALUPA).
I know that you target the weak and vulnerable...drunk high school and college students whose asses you efficiently contribute to packin’ on those infamous "freshman 15" and acne problems...but what about the rest of us who are no longer immune to waking up feeling like shit?
Do you realize that you are no better than McDonald’s when it comes to fattening the asses of Americans? People always want to scrutinize McDonald’s, but YOU are the ones deciding to add an entire new meal category into our diet!
Last night I took a chance with you, Taco Bell, while sober, after a long day of packing and moving my house. You were a quick solution to a massive hunger attack. Although I was hesitant, fully aware of what your food does, I took a chance. Low and behold, sure enough, I woke up feeling disgusting and nasty, as if I’d gobbled down a gallon of garbage the night before, cursing your wretched faux Tex-Mex nightmare.
Why did I even eat it in the first place if I knew what was going to happen? I blame your evil marketing strategies. Damn you, they worked on me. You must be incredibly proud of yourself. Satan himself must sit at the head of your executive table...that is, when he is not busy with McDonald’s. Be sure to give him the collective souls of all who obediently consumed your "4th Meal" and are paying for it today.
Also, I am curious as to why your employees always appear to be fresh off the crack pipe, with your Taco Bell "4th Meal" grease permeating the flesh of their tweaked out grills. Are they the only ones capable of burning the midnight oil so that your ass fattening creations may better give us all the bubble guts first thing the next morning?
Boooo, Taco Bell. Booooo.
Sincerely,
You suck and I hate you
