Fugly Bridesmaid Regalia
Although I've been lucky and have escaped the stigma of the ugly bridesmaid dress, I've witnessed and heard about some brutally nasty ones.
The idea of being forced into a hideous dress while standing in front of an enormous congregation of people is just about one of the most awful things I can imagine (right up there with getting stuck in an elevator with a full bladder, having to listen to Hinder or Fergie for hours on end).
I did my best to save my bridesmaids from public humiliation at my own wedding, and I know my BFF, who is getting married later this year and has made me her Maid of Honor, will do the same for me.
Because we like one another. A true friend would never let her girlfriend suffer the utter turmoil that is having to wear a fugly dress.
I went to a wedding once a few years ago during Christmas time, and much to my sheer delight/horror (I couldn't decide if I wanted to die laughing or puke in my purse), marching down the aisle comes four bridesmaids adorned in Mrs. Claus dresses, almost identical to the ones below, but more form fitting:
How does one smile while draped in a red velor clownsuit trimmed with white faux fur?
You know those bridesmaids have got to be standing there, gritting their teeth, thinking, "You ASSHOLE. I hate you."
I'm afraid I would have to just drink myself into oblivion at the reception so that I might forget what I have on. I would also have to embarrass the hell out of my bitch ass friend who put me in it in the first place.
This is where a, "I remember how in high school how you blew half of the basketball team during that semester you were strung out on speed...gosh those were crazy times. (insert name of groom) sure did make an honest woman out of you! Cheers!"
toast, made sure to be announced in front of her mom and dad's uppity work friends and business associates.
The bride at the wedding I went to was stunning of course~ I'm talking, she actually looked like a real princess or Miss America or something.
But thinking back now, I can't decide if she can take 100% of the credit for being so gorgeous. I mean, next to those "buffer" dresses, a drag queen could make people go "Awwwwwwwww....she looks STUNNING!"
I was distracted during the majority of the ceremony, trying to figure out what in the hell that bride was thinking when she picked them out. It was baffling.
My husband was an usher, so I sat with some of his friends, trying not to let the snickers fly. I was relieved that none of my girlfriends were there with me or we surely would have been escorted out of that church (and why is it that just being in a church makes things funnier? This is one of the reasons I don't allow myself in church...I can't handle the pressure of not laughing and not judging).
I wanted to interview one of the bridesmaids at the reception- mic in hand- as if I were on a red carpet reporting live for "E!":
"So- this is an interesting piece. Who's the designer? What is that fabulous material, polyester? Or a blend perhaps? How do you REALLY feel about it? It's ok. You can tell me."
I think I might have actually had a nightmare since then of me in one of those dresses, chasing after the bride who made me wear it with a baseball bat...
Here a link to more ugly dresses to enjoy not having to wear.
Ugly Dresses.
