Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Taking Lemons and Making Lemon Drop Shots...NonAlcoholic Lemon Drop Shots, that is...

So the trip to Key West went bunk and I'm trying to figure out what to do with the time off I set aside for vacation...and boy do I need a vacation. I'm taking one anyways, even if it means staying at home alone for a few days (while Taylor is out of town and at Lake Texoma...sorry, but hanging out on a boat at a lake in 100 degree heat while everyone around you gets shit faced drunk is not my idea of FUN right now...in fact, it sounds like HELL). I haven't taken any time off since December, when we went on that cruise. Since that cruise, literally since the day we returned, my life has been a circus.

Not a bad scary clown circus, but a circus none the less. Moving into a new house during an ice storm with no electricity, the holidays (which are stressful for most people!), finding out we were pregnant, Taylor getting a new job that requires him to work out of town a lot, finding out we lost the baby, recovering mentally and emotionally from losing the baby, going a little nuts from losing the baby and suffering a mild identity crisis while living in another city away from immediate family and close friends, completely gutting and renovating the entire downstairs floor of our new house, finding out we are pregnant again and spending the first trimester sick as shit for three months while living amongst the chaos of renovating our new house and having no kitchen....

I also "lost" a very close and dear friend of mine during all of that commotion, for stupid reasons that still baffle me. I think, despite my defensive and indifferent front, that has stressed me out a lot more than I like to believe and let on. I've cut loose friends in the past for being assholes, but this particular friend's exit from my life has hurt me more than any of the others ever have. But I've learned that you can't get sucked into other people's neurosis and you can't fall "victim" into allowing yourself to be a punching bag for other people's issues. Some people can't be helped or saved or reasoned with without making you a glutton for punishment on their behalf. It's not healthy. Some friendships just expire, and like with love relationships, "break ups" with people you are closest to HURT. It's unfortunate, but I really believe that the entire situation had a big affect on the way I view friendship and how many eggs I feel comfortable placing in anyone else's basket, so to speak. I wouldn't say I'm crippled and damaged, but definitely even more guarded and tentative...it has really made me reevaluate what (I believe) it means to be a "friend." One thing I've learned is to lower expectations...lower them waaaaay down. Whittle them down to next to nothing. Sometimes I guess you have to or people will continually disappoint you, and that just creates unwanted, unneeded stress....and who needs more stress?

I think some people get mistaken into thinking that just because people get married and try to start a family and kick "domestic" life into full swing, their worlds become all peaches and cream and sunshine 24/7...like their stress factor becomes anything less important or significant than theirs might be. Stress doesn't discriminate and it is distributed equally for everyone in different forms. Stress never goes away, it just evolves and turns into new kinds of stress. How we handle it and grow to adapt to how we deal with it makes all the difference.

Shoving all of that brain clutter of mine aside, I've been making an extra big effort to try to deflect stress from my world and I'm really trying not to let anything bring me down. I think of it as "cleaning house." Now is not the time to dwell on negativity and sweat the small stuff, but it can be quite an internal struggle for someone who is hard-wired to sweat the small stuff and dwell on cynicism. Old habits die hard, but I firmly believe that my attitude and vibe and well-being and ability to filter out the bullshit that comes at me has an impact on how my baby will be hard-wired. Every second of every day, I'm working to keep light of situations. I'm learning to recycle the "noise" and "garbage" and walk away having gained better insight, adamantly trying avoid anything that might upset me. It's really so amazing what someone whom you haven't even met yet can do to enrich and better your life. When I start to feel anxious and up in arms, I just meditate on Taylor's and my little "gift" and focus on all that is good in my life. No thing and no one else matters.

Newer Post Older Post Home