Friday, August 29, 2008

Vice President Sarah Palin

Sure, McCain.

A conservative gun toting, former beauty queen/sports reporter who is opposed to Choice and same sex marriage is REALLY going to appeal to Hillary Clinton supporters...I mean I guess she might to SOME who strictly don't want to see a man of color in office...but not to the Hillary Clinton supporters who really grasped her issues and what all she actually stands for.


Looks like you really did your research there guy. You must be under the misconception that all women and feminists just want to see a woman break through that glass ceiling, based solely on the fact that that woman has a vagina. This is not the case- but I thank you for being such an out of touch moron to believe so. You just did us a favor.

You want to take hits at Obama for being young and "inexperienced" with foreign policy? It's going to be a BLAST seeing you win that argument now that your VP running mate is not only 3 years junior to Obama, but whose only experience lies in mayoring/governing the 48th least populous states in the nation. As Kassie said, Joe Biden is going to eat that poor woman for breakfast in a debate. It's actually pretty sad.

One would think that you would understand that Americans, including your own supporters, understand that if your old ass has a stroke or croaks while in office, we would all be left in the hands of a new term Alaskan governor whose educational background simply includes a BA in journalism...

Not to knock my own degree, but come on. I would know. We journalists are in no way qualified to be running a fucking country...and she wasn't even a journalist per say...she was a SPORTS REPORTER.

oh- ~tear~ what a hoot.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Cigarettes and Whiskey

Had a dream last night about cigarettes and whiskey. The cigarettes I can see, but whiskey? I haven't been much of a whiskey drinker since high school. Gin? Maybe, but I would have thought that I'd of been dreaming of beautifully sweating pints of frothy German beer.

I woke up wondering if it's the actual cigarettes and whiskey that I miss, or if it's what the cigarettes and whiskey REPRESENT that I miss. Then when I really think about it, I don't believe that I actually miss any of it, which is strange to me, because I was convinced that I would.

I don't miss smelling like an ashtray and I don't miss waking up in the morning with a chest full of tar, stinky hair and a headache. I don't miss peeling myself off of my bed and wondering what exactly I ran my mouth off about the night before. I don't miss not remembering taking the pictures that fill my camera or where an impressive collection of bruises on my legs came from.

Maybe my subconscious misses what the cigarettes and whiskey represent: youth, feeling indestructible, and a complete lack of understanding an entirely new world of responsibility and obligation...the kind of awareness I couldn't even grasp for myself, let alone another person...or two.

While out for Kassie's birthday the other night, Taylor was nursing his second large beer with dinner. I asked him if he was going to finish it and he shrugged and said, "Nah- it's no fun drinking without you. You're fun to drink with."

I thought that was sweet.

It made me realize to a new extent that he and I are no longer 21 and out to consume everything in our paths...which we obviously haven't been 21 in several years, and obviously we still have plenty of years ahead of us to have beers together and the occasional smoke...

But it was when he said that that my mind veered off into entirely new direction in concerns to the drink: the beer chugging and shot taking and late night after bar pow-wowing have already ceased to exist and they're not coming least not in the same context as they once were in. Poof. It's all a lot heavier to settle in for me as time flies by.

My mind has been doing a lot of that lately and it's the kind of analyzing sparked by a natural high that is better than anything aided by physical substance. It's amazing and addicting and more satisfying than anything a cigarette or whiskey drink has to offer...with the added bonus of being hangover free.

It's quite a shift to go from years of abusing my body to the opposite- now spending all of my waking hours trying to preserve it and keep it healthy because there are two other people who are constantly on my mind whose well-beings and happiness and regards I hold before my own...because they depend on me and need me.

Being married rules. Starting a family rules. Getting old RULES.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

OKC Phallic War

So OKC will have the 54th tallest building in the world, come 2012. This new Devon skyscraper is going to be ridiculously massive, "eclipsing" downtown's existing tallest building- the Chase Tower.

This glittering new pillar of male phallic symbolism will be the shining middle finger of Downtown OKC, dwarfing everything surrounding it, compliments of Devon Energy Corp. How long will it take after its erection for corporations such as, oh, Chesapeake Energy Corporation, to say "Hey, I have a big dick too! I need a huge tower to show the state who the big man in Oklahoma is! Me too! Me too!"

And then they will all start popping up- a perpetual hard-on-a-thon for the Metro.

I'll bet the big heads down at Devon are stroking their egos right now at the sight of their titanic masterpiece in the making. Yikes. I nearly choked on my apple juice when I saw these pictures. Can we HANDLE it Oklahoma? Can we?

Business Week article:Devon Skyscraper.

The only cities with taller buildings would be Chicago, New York, Atlanta, Los Angeles, Houston, Philadelphia, Cleveland and Seattle.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Pineapple Express

Can I PLEASE get that hour and a half of my life back???? PLEEEEEASE? I'm sorry to all of you who liked that movie, or who will go on to see it and think it's "awesome." I can't hold back. I want my $5.50 back (thank goodness for Tinseltown or I'd of wasted an additional 3 or 4 bucks on scriptual vomit).

I didn't care to see Pineapple Express in the first place- you know, after that impressive trailer they've been airing and all ( entire movie about Seth Rogan getting high? THAT'S new), but Taylor wanted to go so I went. Half of me went in willing to give it a chance (James Franco is kind of cute), and the other half knows my taste too well to expect too much.

Let me say this: I laughed more in 3 minutes at the trailer for "Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist" than I did throughout the entire duration of Pineapple Express.

Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate a good stoner flick if it is cleverly written, but I am SO over the fart and balls humor that is the specialty of Judd Apatow. Can Seth Rogan play ANYTHING that doesn't involve him embodying an overweight, slacker, underachieving burn out who, in case he doesn't make it clear enough in his movies, LOVES to smoke weed?

By the way, Seth Rogan LOVES to smoke weed. Did you know that? Did you know that Seth Rogan loves to smoke weed? Well, just to set the record straight, Seth Rogan LOVES to smoke weed.

In my opinion, a good stoner flick should have more than just the element of "Dude I'm so stoned all the fucking time." Believe it or not, not all people who smoke pot want to be dazzled with a script that requires them to tap into mental retardation for entertainment.

I personally don't believe that an entire movie based on getting stoned and smoking weed is funny- with the rare case of movies like the Big Lebowski or Dazed and Confused. There are plenty of funny movies out there where the stories involve smoking weed...but the good ones always have more going on than simply that.

Seeing people get high in movies is entertaining when used in moderation- like a spice- as a part of a bigger and more interesting plot, but my attention span for watching movies whose sole mission is to glorify being a brain dead stoner lasts about 5 minutes.

Cheech and Chong, Half Baked, Pineapple Express...Even in my more burnt out slacker days as a teenager, I still couldn't sit through an entire Cheech and Chong movie, and the summer after high school when the "party spot" had Half Baked in the VCR (yes, VCR) every fucking night for three months straight, I thought I might have to kill myself.

Watching a bunch of burnt out losers whose sole mission in life is to get high gets old SO fast. I was bored and half asleep less than halfway into Pineapple Express. I think it started with the whole montage of Seth Rogan and James Franco geeking out and acting like jack asses in the woods after smoking a joint the size of a tampon.

Oh, and I'm sorry, but in the fantasy land of Seth Rogan dating a pretty blonde 16 year-old high school girl and selling weed to kids on a playground isn't funny- it's fucking sick. The one saving grace was that James Franco is pretty cute, BUT- in this movie, his dirty, ashes for brains, loveable pot dealing persona reminded me too much of some of the burnt out slackers I used to "date" in my less formidable years: cute, but like communicating with a Chia Pet who could get me high for free.

If this says anything about the kind of humor Pineapple Express, the plethora of obnoxious teenagers sitting four rows behind us who spent the entire movie laughing like idiot hyenas and cheering every time a huge sack of fluffy buds came on screen (which was a lot, by the way) actually "whoop whooped" and APPLAUDED at the end of this movie. APPLAUDED, as if having just witnessed the most beautiful piece of film they'd ever seen. APPLAUDED, as if wiping a single tear from their cheek, suddenly inspired and moved to go out into the world and find spiritual enlightenment.

Perhaps it was that moving and inspirational to some...and the spiritual enlightenment that they would seek would be that of a holy cross/crucifix triple smoke joint a la Pineapple Express (which honestly was pretty innovative, but you'll have to see the movie to see what I'm talking about).

Another cult classic has been born and thus will cultivate future generations of lazy couch potatoe'ing potheads in the years to come.

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