Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Cigarettes and Whiskey

Had a dream last night about cigarettes and whiskey. The cigarettes I can see, but whiskey? I haven't been much of a whiskey drinker since high school. Gin? Maybe, but I would have thought that I'd of been dreaming of beautifully sweating pints of frothy German beer.

I woke up wondering if it's the actual cigarettes and whiskey that I miss, or if it's what the cigarettes and whiskey REPRESENT that I miss. Then when I really think about it, I don't believe that I actually miss any of it, which is strange to me, because I was convinced that I would.

I don't miss smelling like an ashtray and I don't miss waking up in the morning with a chest full of tar, stinky hair and a headache. I don't miss peeling myself off of my bed and wondering what exactly I ran my mouth off about the night before. I don't miss not remembering taking the pictures that fill my camera or where an impressive collection of bruises on my legs came from.

Maybe my subconscious misses what the cigarettes and whiskey represent: youth, feeling indestructible, and a complete lack of understanding an entirely new world of responsibility and obligation...the kind of awareness I couldn't even grasp for myself, let alone another person...or two.

While out for Kassie's birthday the other night, Taylor was nursing his second large beer with dinner. I asked him if he was going to finish it and he shrugged and said, "Nah- it's no fun drinking without you. You're fun to drink with."

I thought that was sweet.

It made me realize to a new extent that he and I are no longer 21 and out to consume everything in our paths...which we obviously haven't been 21 in several years, and obviously we still have plenty of years ahead of us to have beers together and the occasional smoke...

But it was when he said that that my mind veered off into entirely new direction in concerns to the drink: the beer chugging and shot taking and late night after bar pow-wowing have already ceased to exist and they're not coming back...at least not in the same context as they once were in. Poof. It's all a lot heavier to settle in for me as time flies by.

My mind has been doing a lot of that lately and it's the kind of analyzing sparked by a natural high that is better than anything aided by physical substance. It's amazing and addicting and more satisfying than anything a cigarette or whiskey drink has to offer...with the added bonus of being hangover free.

It's quite a shift to go from years of abusing my body to the opposite- now spending all of my waking hours trying to preserve it and keep it healthy because there are two other people who are constantly on my mind whose well-beings and happiness and regards I hold before my own...because they depend on me and need me.

Being married rules. Starting a family rules. Getting old RULES.

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