Monday, August 11, 2008

Pineapple Express

Can I PLEASE get that hour and a half of my life back???? PLEEEEEASE? I'm sorry to all of you who liked that movie, or who will go on to see it and think it's "awesome." I can't hold back. I want my $5.50 back (thank goodness for Tinseltown or I'd of wasted an additional 3 or 4 bucks on scriptual vomit).

I didn't care to see Pineapple Express in the first place- you know, after that impressive trailer they've been airing and all ( entire movie about Seth Rogan getting high? THAT'S new), but Taylor wanted to go so I went. Half of me went in willing to give it a chance (James Franco is kind of cute), and the other half knows my taste too well to expect too much.

Let me say this: I laughed more in 3 minutes at the trailer for "Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist" than I did throughout the entire duration of Pineapple Express.

Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate a good stoner flick if it is cleverly written, but I am SO over the fart and balls humor that is the specialty of Judd Apatow. Can Seth Rogan play ANYTHING that doesn't involve him embodying an overweight, slacker, underachieving burn out who, in case he doesn't make it clear enough in his movies, LOVES to smoke weed?

By the way, Seth Rogan LOVES to smoke weed. Did you know that? Did you know that Seth Rogan loves to smoke weed? Well, just to set the record straight, Seth Rogan LOVES to smoke weed.

In my opinion, a good stoner flick should have more than just the element of "Dude I'm so stoned all the fucking time." Believe it or not, not all people who smoke pot want to be dazzled with a script that requires them to tap into mental retardation for entertainment.

I personally don't believe that an entire movie based on getting stoned and smoking weed is funny- with the rare case of movies like the Big Lebowski or Dazed and Confused. There are plenty of funny movies out there where the stories involve smoking weed...but the good ones always have more going on than simply that.

Seeing people get high in movies is entertaining when used in moderation- like a spice- as a part of a bigger and more interesting plot, but my attention span for watching movies whose sole mission is to glorify being a brain dead stoner lasts about 5 minutes.

Cheech and Chong, Half Baked, Pineapple Express...Even in my more burnt out slacker days as a teenager, I still couldn't sit through an entire Cheech and Chong movie, and the summer after high school when the "party spot" had Half Baked in the VCR (yes, VCR) every fucking night for three months straight, I thought I might have to kill myself.

Watching a bunch of burnt out losers whose sole mission in life is to get high gets old SO fast. I was bored and half asleep less than halfway into Pineapple Express. I think it started with the whole montage of Seth Rogan and James Franco geeking out and acting like jack asses in the woods after smoking a joint the size of a tampon.

Oh, and I'm sorry, but in the fantasy land of Seth Rogan dating a pretty blonde 16 year-old high school girl and selling weed to kids on a playground isn't funny- it's fucking sick. The one saving grace was that James Franco is pretty cute, BUT- in this movie, his dirty, ashes for brains, loveable pot dealing persona reminded me too much of some of the burnt out slackers I used to "date" in my less formidable years: cute, but like communicating with a Chia Pet who could get me high for free.

If this says anything about the kind of humor Pineapple Express, the plethora of obnoxious teenagers sitting four rows behind us who spent the entire movie laughing like idiot hyenas and cheering every time a huge sack of fluffy buds came on screen (which was a lot, by the way) actually "whoop whooped" and APPLAUDED at the end of this movie. APPLAUDED, as if having just witnessed the most beautiful piece of film they'd ever seen. APPLAUDED, as if wiping a single tear from their cheek, suddenly inspired and moved to go out into the world and find spiritual enlightenment.

Perhaps it was that moving and inspirational to some...and the spiritual enlightenment that they would seek would be that of a holy cross/crucifix triple smoke joint a la Pineapple Express (which honestly was pretty innovative, but you'll have to see the movie to see what I'm talking about).

Another cult classic has been born and thus will cultivate future generations of lazy couch potatoe'ing potheads in the years to come.

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